Saturday, 14 April 2012

Necessity is the mother%ucker of invention or.."WHERE THE %UCK IS MY CUP OF COFFEE!"

Out of necessity I have come up with a new invention this morning.  I am going to create the iCup.  This cup will be for all those coffee drinkers who put down their cup of coffee somewhere in the house and then can't find it.  It always turns up but often it is hours later when the coffee is cold (this is why microwaves were really....a coffee drinker who kept finding their coffee cold invented the microwave to warm the coffee up when they found it...see necessity=invention) or when the coffee has developed a thick moldy scum on top (then you have to throw the whole thing out because you will NEVER use that cup again no matter how much bleach is used).

My one friend offers a quarter to whichever of her children runs around the house and finds the coffee cup.  With me this could turn out to be a dollar a day, $365 dollars a year maybe more because Saturday and Sunday.....

Which brings me to this morning.   I got up early to have a little peaceful time before my children got up (yeah ok so I got up to pee and it seemed like too much of an effort to go back to bed).   I made coffee and was drinking some of it while I started the day.  Then I wanted to check messages on my iPhone so I went to get it and it wasn't where I thought I left it.  Looked around for a bit but I couldn't find it so I went on iCloud and used Find your iPhone to locate it!!  Done! Excellent!  Now where the %uck did I put my coffee?  

 I had not made a pot but rather had taken the extra effort to make myself a latte this morning.  And now that latte was sitting on a bookshelf somewhere growing cold and accumulating mold spores.   And this is when it came to me.  If I made a line of attractive coffee cups with a chip in it like the iPhone.  Once you acquire one of these intelligent beauties you register it online.  That way if you loose your cup you just go on your computer (or your iPhone if you haven't misplaced that too) and press the locate button.  It will even play a little beeping noise or have a voice that calls "Here here I'm over here".

Children may protest that my invention is stealing their jobs but "Hey, you can't stop progress baby"! Plus if us caffeine addicted mommas are sufficiently juiced up there is more likelihood that we won't cover our offspring with cheese and eat them before they reach adulthood.  But that's another story altogether.

Now where the %uck did I put my coffee cup!!!



Saturday, 10 March 2012

It's a Cheese wouldn't understand.

Men don't get cheese the way women do.  Men always make joking references (which sometimes get them silently ice picked through their cerebral cortex) about women and chocolate but they don't realize that while chocolate is important it is really about the cheese.

Some time ago I was craving cheese while at my local, very expensive, mini grocery.  I splurged on a small (I mean really small for $7.00), block of a cheese called Dubliner.  And thus began a serious addiction that has spread the length of my neighbourhood and beyond.

Dubliner is like a cross between Cheddar and really!!!!   Dubliner can be a breakfast food, snack, solace on a completely crap day, dinner with a few crackers and a bit of bread or even a way to choke down evidence of crime.

Ok so the last idea stems from the fact that no addiction is quite as much fun if you are the only one.  So I started to feed Dubliner to my friends.  Women friends.  Men don't get it.  They eat a piece and say,  "Yeah that's good" and then they walk away.  I have never seen a woman just walk away from a piece of Dubliner. Nope,  we will all fight to the end for the last scrap.  Evidence...

a real text conversation between my co-blogger and I

Her: "Omg. I may kill my children, slather them in cheese and eat them."

Me: "Nom nom nom"

The implication was she was putting a slice or 10 of Dubliner on them.  Really!!

Of course we can always blame Costco for the seriousness of this addiction.  Like any good drug supplier they get you hooked with the volumne discount.  One lovely friend discovered that Costco carries  it for the same price but for a WAY BIGGER BLOCK OF CHEESE!!!  YEAH BABY!!  So of course we now have Dubliner runs out to Costco and if any one of us is going a text needs to be sent out that says.  Heading to Costco.   Dubliner?   To which everyone responds with their order.

Ok I can't write anymore about cheese.  All this has made me hungry.  Its 10:00 and I need some Dubliner.

Those (women) of you who haven't already tried it are going to go and get some today.  I just know it.



Thursday, 8 March 2012

There needs to be a special daycare that men go to when they are sick. Or an island or something.  Because if they (my husband) stay at home we (me) are going to out right kill them and stuff them in to a hockey bag or as discussed in "Mum's the Word" we will slowly nurse them to death. and then call for them to be carted away.

No don't misunderstand me!  It is not that I don't believe that he doesn't feel well it's just that he is so bloody annoying when he is sick.

For the last few days J has not felt well.  His symptoms appear to be difficult to pin down.  I have heard "nauseous, dizzy, faint, achy and numb" in the last few hours. We have ruled out malaria, botulism, dengue fever eboli, ecoli and sugar overdose. Symptoms seem to be transient and variable in their intensity.

I haven't felt well in the last few days either but I am loathe to mention it, as with husbands and wives, or at least with my husband, it becomes a sort of competition which there is no way in hell I will ever win.

So I close myself in my home office, eat Tums, take Tylenol and try to ignore the moans emanating from his special chair in our living room.  God forbid I hand him the phone to take a call from a client!  He looks, in that moment, like a horse being taken to slaughter, with his eyes rolling back in his head.

I have loaned out all of the hockey bags to a variety of women in need and I may have to resort to body disposal in an assortment of fabric grocery bags.  A good use for them since I always forget to take them to the store with me anyway.

 AND don't get me started on the Eco Police Checkout Girl who gives me the evil eye when you say you need a plastic or paper bag.  Apparently she can hear the trees cry.

Did I mention I don't feel well?

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

One day when I went walking..........

What's New?!!  So many fun and funny things have happened and I have failed miserably  in updating.  How about a story about things that make me smile.  

  I have a dog.  I have a dog and if I don't walk him he goes around the house emptying all the waste baskets and eats holes in the bedding.  Since it is very embarrassing to have people come over and all sorts of unmentionables to be spread to the corners of every room and for stuffing to be strewn like snow everywhere, I try to walk the dog everyday.  This makes for an interesting life (aka the mushroom wrestling which I haven't got to yet and making the lab voice which I haven't got to yet either).  

  So one day, my dog walking partner in crime and our dogs The Latin Lover and R. Montalbon (not their real names but they respond to them),  were out for  a walk in the woods.  On our way back we see a penguin in a tree (in my head now ..."what's on the tellie?" "Looks like a penguin!" "No No!!  I mean what proograms are on").  OK, so its not a real penguin but a little penguin toy from some sort of key chain.  Someone has stuck it in a crevice in the tree bark.

  Many people at this point would just carry on but PIC and I are not your ordinary folks.  Nope we stop to contemplate the existence of the penguin.  Did the original owner put it there?  Did another dog walker or a bear or a squirrel find it and prop it in the tree?  Did they do that so the original owners might find it or just to mess with out heads???? 

 We discussed it for awhile and then before carrying on we moved it....yeah I know.  The next time we passed the same way the penguin was gone.  Did he find his way home?  Did a crow or a squirrel ( SQUIRREL!!!) carry him away?  Did someone hide it on us and are they watching us from the bushes RIGHT NOW!!! ? (Did I mention that PIC and I are both a little paranoid).

Then not that long later we were walking down the beach and there on a log was a lost little girl....

A playschool little girl!!

Somebody is messing with us!   So we had the whole conversation again.  And we moved her.
I don't know if she is still there.  Let us know if you find any little penguins or little girls in your travels.  It would be nice to know it isn't just us.

 I will have to see if PIC has any penguin pictures.  

From the Fashionably Furious Women and the Voices inside our heads,

Have a Happy Day!